Disclaimer: This is meant to be satirical in nature so please take it with a grain of salt! Also, 75% of the pics in this post don’t match the words. I wanted to flaunt my college career and add some visual stimulation for my readers. Just go with it.
Go to college, they said, it’ll be fun they said. And damn were they right. Sure, there are certain boys I wish I would’ve just not (the frat star, the meat-headed athlete, the bad boy) and drinks (Irish Car Bombs, Trashcans), but hey, you live and you learn. The days and weeks may be long but the years are short. So live it up, and drink it down!
1. Leggings are pants.
1.5 No pants are also pants.
1.75 Leggings are not pants in the professional world (Although they are black, don’t try to pull a fast one).
2. Wine and chocolate is an acceptable dinner.
3. You don’t have to read the books. Or even buy the books. Save money and brain cells. Win/win!
4. Your number does not define you. Be it sex partners, weight, bank account or GPA. You are far more than some silly digit.
5. Get involved in everything your freshman year. Really. Clubs, organizations, sports, heck Quidditch team! You’ll discover new hobbies you enjoy and can slowly trickle out of each as you approach senior year.
6. Call your mom. Especially if you can’t make it home often.
7. Every person you meet has a story. Don’t pretend to know where they’ve been. Accept and even embrace these differences in worldviews.
8. If you are under the fantastical impression that your hookup buddy is going to turn into a long-term, fulfilling relationship, chances are, you’re wrong. “Talking” is an entirely relative term and having sex is not an immediate gateway in with a guy. Don’t chase anything but shots and dreams (in my case, not even shots)
9. Fake it ’til you make it. We’re all improvising day by day.
10. No amount of studying can replace sleep. Avoid all-nighters fueled by Redbull.
11. If you pick an easy major, it’s all fun and games for 4 years, but it’s only hurting you in the long run.
12. No one thinks about you as much as you think about you. Resist the urge to post your entire stream of consciousness to social media #guilty
13. If you avoid the rec, there is no need to shower except every other day. Dry shampoo works wonders.
14. To keep yourself from hooking up, don’t shave that day. Ha. Ha.
15. Breaks are not for work. Don’t even bring the books home. You won’t crack them once.
16. Enjoy the hangovers while you’re young. I’ve heard they only get worse with age. Legitimate hangover cures: more sleep, Powerade, Tylenol, Coconut water. Mythical cures: Caffeine, Hair of the dog, greasy food.
17. Choose a beautiful campus where you won’t regret spending 4 years of your life. I’m looking at you, Miami University.
18.You will change, grow, and evolve in college. If others are not okay with that, it’s time to cut them out. If however, you’re changing in a self-destructive way, don’t be afraid to seek help, be it through counseling, RA’s, close friends, or family.
19. What you get out of college is directly proportional to what you put in.
20. No one needs to pay for friends. You’ll be perfectly content as a GDI (God damn independent)
21. Give everything the good ‘ol college try. If you hate it, so be it. You won’t be any worse off.
22. You can keep going long after you think you can’t.
23. Your body is a temple. Just kidding, drink that drink, stuff yourself in the dining hall. Enjoy your metabolism before it magically shuts off at 25.
24. Alcohol cures all. Is your mood happy? Get more happy! Depressed? Drink your sorrows away! Hungover? Drink!
25. You don’t need to buy the Sperry’s, North Face, and Uggs to fit in. Wear the fedoras, floral crowns, and rompers. Baby, you were born to stand out!
26. Get that edgy haircut you were so scared of. It brings a quick talking point to the bar.
27. Never settle. Don’t invest in a relationship that doesn’t all-encompass your personal values.
28. If you get an international experience, take it. I regret not studying abroad and am blessed to have the opportunity to work in Sydney, Australia upon graduation.
30. If you’ve reached your wits end, cry it out. This is not a sign of weakness as previously thought.
31. If possible, spend a summer in your college town. The environment is 10x more laid back, you’ll form a “crew” with memories for a summer you’ll cherish for the rest of your life.
32. Take pictures to capture the drunken memories (the sober ones too, of course). Make sure the ones you choose to post to social media are ones you’d let your grandma see.
33. Put the phone down and enjoy the here and now. The four years will fly by in the wink of an eye and you sure as hell don’t wanna miss that.
34. Host parties on the regular. With food. And good beer. Your friends will thank you. And don’t be ashamed to forever be the most awkward girl.at the party.
35. People will dislike you. It’s impossible to please everyone. And hey, if you’re never pissing anyone off, you’re probably not doing anything very innovative.
36. You don’t have to dress slutty on Halloween. Or, ever.
37. Don’t overanalyze that text. Take it at face value. Men are simple beings that (usually) don’t have any ulterior motives. Unless it’s that skeezy frat boy or star football QB.
38. You will develop a caffeine addiction. Hey, mine began at 12 when I started drinking coffee but it only went downhill from there. My view is there are far worse drugs out there.
39. Rejection may seem earth-shattering at the time, but odds are you will bounce back as a better person because of it.
40. Make friends with people from drastically different backgrounds than yours. Diversity is the spice of life, and no better place to find people from different states, countries, worlds than on a college campus.
41. It’s the hands you shake, not the grades you make. Networking is key especially in the business world.
42. Pregaming is apparently not a thing after college when you actually have money to spend all night at the bars. Enjoy your power hours now.
43. Have your fun with guys but always come back to your girls. They’ll be your shoulder to cry on when things turn sour.
44.Once a cheater always a cheater. Don’t give these people second or fifth chances.
45. You will learn to like beer. I began hating the taste of Natty. Now it flows down like water.
46. Freezer food will be your friend. The purpose of Lean Cuisines, however, are defeated when you eat 4 of them.
47. The number of selfies you post/snapchat is inversely correlated to how much others like you. Don’t be vain, we know what your face looks like by now, doll.
48. Stop giving two shits what other people think of you. It’s a waste of your time and energy. You do you.
49.You can’t have it all. Straight A’s, run a million organizations, and a thriving social life. Don’t spread yourself thin. Choose where your priorities lie.
50. The best is yet to come.
Moral of the story: It’s okay to be reckless, it’s okay to be confused, it’s okay to have no idea the direction your life is headed. One day it will all work out.
Now can we just pretend for a second that this isn’t happening on Saturday.