I just came across a letter I wrote on 12/4/08, when I was only 16. Someday, I hope to give it to him. Someday.
Never in a million years could I have seen our relationship deteriorate to this. Everyday it hurts me to slowly grow apart from you. I feel like you’re no longer the good person I thought you were, no longer the same man I looked up to and used to be able to joke with, ever since I was a little girl. She’s changed you, she really has. Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. You used to tell me you’d never change for a woman, but look here, you’ve changed your values and yourself just to please her. You have mirrored her attitude toward her kids, as you have completely pushed both me and my brother from your life.
Remember the fathers day card I wrote you three years ago before everything changed? That was the first and last time I’ve ever seen you cry. It was simply me telling you what a great father you were and how much you’d positively impacted my life. Do those words still hold true today? Unfortunately, no. I can barely get you to look in my eyes and hold a conversation with me. Things you used to prize like our school pictures and report cards, which you’d display throughout our house are now thrown away, barely looked at. It hurts to see you no longer care about what goes on in my life.
It hurts to know that someone can insult your little girl and you’d be okay with it. You try to explain her actions away. You believe the woman you’ve known for 2 months over your daughter of 16 years. You don’t understand how awful that makes me feel. I guess I don’t really know you at all anymore. Eventually you’ll learn for yourself, hopefully sooner, rather than later.
Dad, I go off to college soon. You are missing out on the last couple years of my childhood, that’s something you’ll never, ever get back. It may not bother you now, but you might regret this years from now. I think I’m gonna try living with mom for a little while. It sucks, it really does. But I’m losing my dad and there’s nothing I can do about it. You don’t want to hear my sob stories. I’ll let you alone. You’ve told me I’m a “disruption to the whole household.” I understand no one wants me here anymore and I’ve finally come to terms with this fact. She can pack up all my stuff in boxes and kick me out. It’s fine, I can’t be around the negativity anymore. I’m sorry it had to come down to this, but when the one person who wasn’t ever supposed to let me down, does, the one I thought I could always count on to be there for me through thick and thin, isn’t, it’s time for me to let go and try something new. Maybe one day it will all make sense. Maybe.